I can't believe what I've just been through.
My life was so happy, full of joy - me, my husband and our families were looking forward to the arrival of our first born child.
We had a beautiful pregnancy, so many beautiful moments I'll cherish forever. The feel of my sons first movements, the first time I got to see his heart beat, the growth of my belly and the marks he's left.
Next thing I know we were headed into the hospital for his delivery and they lay me down on the hospital bed to check his vitals. They could not find his heart beat.
I stared at the ceiling feeling numb all over. My doula held my hand and assured me that sometimes this can happen, the baby can hide from the instruments and that everything was going to be okay. I'm glad she focused me because my husband had to run home to get some papers, so he was not there to experience this concern.
The nurses called the doctor in and he did an ultrasound. He pointed out the baby's spine and where the heart should be beating....but no heart beat.
This is where I spiraled into complete terror, eyes glazing over, looking at my husband and seeing his same fear. I can't really remember what happened next.
Our doctor was in as much shock as we were since this pregnancy had been so healthy. Just 2 days earlier we were in his office having the baby's vitals checked and we both were doing amazing! Looking back on this day, I'll never forget James' movements and how good it felt to feel him moving inside of me.
Once we learned our baby had gone, I could not mentally deal with what I knew was to come. I had my dead son inside of me and we had to get him out. At this point I look over and saw my husband having a panic attack and being attended to by the nurses. The doctor was saying they were going to try birthing him naturally since that was the least harmful to my body. Nelson spoke up and said "I just don't want her to feel any pain, so please make sure she gets an epidural." Just hearing all this made me so sick. I am a student and follower of a natural lifestyle and at this point I just wanted to go away - just disappear from this horrible chaos.
The doctor put me on petocin and I got an epidural right away. Thank goodness I felt no pain and was able to get some sleep during the 8 hour process. Unfortunately, my body would not dilate past 5cm, so a natural birth was not possible. I had been so worried thinking I'd have to birth my dead baby naturally and FOR WHAT!? ALL THAT WORK FOR WHAT!? WHY EVEN TRY? JUST TAKE HIM OUT NOW!!
Our doctor was smart and really avoided all possible complications. Since I did not dilate he stopped the petocin for fear of hemorrhage. He then told us it was the best option to go in for a c-section in the morning. I felt relief with this since all I wanted was for James to be taken out without any work on my part. I had just come off laboring at home for 2 days and the last thing I wanted to endure was to birth my dead baby naturally...
The c-section went well, it was a little scary being back in an operating room. I'll never forget the moment they pulled James out of me. I could tell it was him and I arched my back and felt my baby be born! That was the moment I became a mom.
The next events in surgery were to clean and close me up - the doctor said "okay, let's put her uterus back in" and they began conversing about tennis.
In the recovery room, Nelson and I were able to have James with us. They cleaned him up nice and delivered him to our room. All of our grief and fear were completely removed at his presence. Here in front of us was pure beauty, pure joy that WE CREATED!! I am so proud to have made such a beautiful baby boy!! We spent some priceless time with him noticing he had my nose, my upper lip, my lips and Nel's body (tall and lanky) with huge feet and hands. His skin was so soft to the touch, so very precious. These are the moments I will cherish for the rest of my life...
However it was an alternate universe...we were going through the motions in shock, surviving and would one day look back and feel so much denial.
After spending this time with James, we were moved to another recovery room and said goodbye to our son. It was so hard for me to be wheeled away from him, seeing him lying there in the bassinet while I was leaving. I was forever being separated from the little boy that grew inside my belly - the baby boy that I created. My sweet angel.
During recovery, we were visited by family and comforted by our Facebook messages. But in those still early morning moments when I couldn't sleep anymore, I would cry until I didn't feel the pain anymore.
Here I am having to write about this experience rather than living the alternative reality in which we prepared for over nine months. I hate this quiet house, I miss feeling James in my belly, I miss the joy he brought us. I'm sitting here trying to enjoy the holidays and move on from this, but I can't. I don't like the music, I don't like the food, the joy of this holiday tastes bitter to me and I'm hurting a lot. What makes it worse is when my husband and I disagree about anything and we lash out at each other. We are both hurting so much that our emotions are unpredictable. Please heal our broken hearts...we need a little Christmas miracle.
For most of 2010 I was planning on having my little baby to take care of this holiday season. It was going to be our first Christmas with our baby James! And here we are broken, lost, angry, sad, devastated and baby-less. Back to being Aunt Jenny and Uncle Bobo to our niece and nephew. We were ready to be parents and embrace the next chapter in our lives.
Why? Why us? Why James? Everyday I hear these words. But there are no answers, only suggestions or inklings.
