Last week in our grief group I talked about how great I am at worrying about the future.
WHAT IF I LOSE MY JOB, WHAT IF THEY LAY ME OFF NEXT WEEK, WHAT IF THEY DON'T GIVE ME A SEVERANCE, WHAT IF WE CAN'T FIND WORK RIGHT AWAY, WHAT IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THE BILLS, WHAT ABOUT THE HOSPITAL BILL, WHAT ABOUT OWING TAXES, ETC ETC ETC
She called this future "What If'ing," putting my energy out there in the future when it's most needed right here in the present. She suggested I put a rubber band on my wrist and to snap it each time I begin thinking this way. Doing this changes my response to these thoughts that waste my energy and DO NOT help my cause.
I pray for future children. I pray for happy full time jobs we both love. I pray for a nice new apartment or home. I pray for more happiness & joy to enter my life. I pray for healing. I pray for more energy. These are all experiences I pray will manifest throughout my life this year.
Perhaps if I can remember to snap my thoughts back away from the fear, I can switch them over to feelings of joy and abundance. All I can do is try.
xo
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Soundtrack Of Our Lives
So, you know how you hear a song on the radio and it can take you right back to a specific moment!? Well each area of my life that has been momentous has music attached to it. I know this is not original, but music for a lot of us is a tool for healing, it gets us through life, it lifts our mood after a good cry, or expresses something that our own words can't express. That's where music comes in.
Thank god for a young man from Ireland whose music found me while I walk through a very dark valley in my life. His poetry says what my heart feels. His music flows along with the stream of my thoughts. His name is James Vincent McMorrow. I still don't know what this man went through to create such good music, but he's got it. He holed himself up in a house on the coast of Ireland for five months armed with his instruments, and a computer. It began as a project to write songs and his new album Early In The Morning was born.
I happened to be listening to the local college station and they were talking about a wonderful new artist from Ireland with a hauntingly beautiful new album that everyone should buy. After getting to work I looked him up and played all 5 songs on his website for a week straight. I was finding solace, peace, words explaining my emotions and music expressing my feelings in his artistry.
I finally bought his album this weekend and look forward to getting to know his other songs.
Maybe this is a sweet gift from my James. Sending me new music at this time in my life when I need it most. And I smile at the fact that both my James are helping me heal just a little bit more.
xo
Thank god for a young man from Ireland whose music found me while I walk through a very dark valley in my life. His poetry says what my heart feels. His music flows along with the stream of my thoughts. His name is James Vincent McMorrow. I still don't know what this man went through to create such good music, but he's got it. He holed himself up in a house on the coast of Ireland for five months armed with his instruments, and a computer. It began as a project to write songs and his new album Early In The Morning was born.
I happened to be listening to the local college station and they were talking about a wonderful new artist from Ireland with a hauntingly beautiful new album that everyone should buy. After getting to work I looked him up and played all 5 songs on his website for a week straight. I was finding solace, peace, words explaining my emotions and music expressing my feelings in his artistry.
I finally bought his album this weekend and look forward to getting to know his other songs.
Maybe this is a sweet gift from my James. Sending me new music at this time in my life when I need it most. And I smile at the fact that both my James are helping me heal just a little bit more.
xo
Baby Growing
Why is it that I have moments of longing at times when I least expect it?
Nelson and I were at a hockey game the other night. We had great seats thanks to a friend and out of no where around the 3rd period I began remembering what it felt like to hold James inside of me. The way my body changed to accommodate his new living arrangements. It brought me peace and some happiness, but mixed with a little sadness too.
My body has been through so much and I find it difficult to love my body after what it's been through. No breastfeeding to keep my metabolism going, so any exercise or efforts to eat right seem futile. But I still try despite the depression.
There was a cute little girl 2 rows in front of us and she had to be about 2 or 3 years old. I of course thought about having my own child. What does it feel like to hold you own live child? I know it's a terrific feeling because every woman I see with their kids are so happy with them and show them so much love.
I'm no medical professional but I think my body could produce another child right now as is. However we want to try and get my weight down just to make life that much easier for the journey. Why won't the weight come off? I'm tired of beating myself up for being in this physical state. The only physical reminders of what I went through are my stupid c-section scar and the stretch marks on my stomach. I'm always surprised that my husband still finds me the least bit attractive. But he does! Thank god.
Giving birth to life is unknown for me, but carrying and developing life inside me is not at all foreign. I pray that god sends us babies to make, give birth to and raise. But just for now, I love remembering what it felt like to have my sweet baby boy growing and moving inside me.
xoxo
Nelson and I were at a hockey game the other night. We had great seats thanks to a friend and out of no where around the 3rd period I began remembering what it felt like to hold James inside of me. The way my body changed to accommodate his new living arrangements. It brought me peace and some happiness, but mixed with a little sadness too.
My body has been through so much and I find it difficult to love my body after what it's been through. No breastfeeding to keep my metabolism going, so any exercise or efforts to eat right seem futile. But I still try despite the depression.
There was a cute little girl 2 rows in front of us and she had to be about 2 or 3 years old. I of course thought about having my own child. What does it feel like to hold you own live child? I know it's a terrific feeling because every woman I see with their kids are so happy with them and show them so much love.
I'm no medical professional but I think my body could produce another child right now as is. However we want to try and get my weight down just to make life that much easier for the journey. Why won't the weight come off? I'm tired of beating myself up for being in this physical state. The only physical reminders of what I went through are my stupid c-section scar and the stretch marks on my stomach. I'm always surprised that my husband still finds me the least bit attractive. But he does! Thank god.
Giving birth to life is unknown for me, but carrying and developing life inside me is not at all foreign. I pray that god sends us babies to make, give birth to and raise. But just for now, I love remembering what it felt like to have my sweet baby boy growing and moving inside me.
xoxo
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Dear Jamezee
Dear James my sweet little boy,
Your dad and I have many nicknames for you! This is what we do in this family, find every variation to your name as humanly possible! I love calling you James-E (Jamezee) after your initials James E. Your dad calls you Jimmy and Jussi. : )
I want you to know I feel our connection, mother to son. I feel the bond between us made early on in the pregnancy when I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me.
I think of you often and feel more comfortable writing to you rather than speaking to you. I sometimes talk to you, but know that I'm much more comfortable sending my thoughts your way and writing to you.
We love you little one and hope you are happy and joyful wherever you are and whomever you are WITH! Are you with family? I hope so.
Talk to you soon.
Love, Mom
Your dad and I have many nicknames for you! This is what we do in this family, find every variation to your name as humanly possible! I love calling you James-E (Jamezee) after your initials James E. Your dad calls you Jimmy and Jussi. : )
I want you to know I feel our connection, mother to son. I feel the bond between us made early on in the pregnancy when I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me.
I think of you often and feel more comfortable writing to you rather than speaking to you. I sometimes talk to you, but know that I'm much more comfortable sending my thoughts your way and writing to you.
We love you little one and hope you are happy and joyful wherever you are and whomever you are WITH! Are you with family? I hope so.
Talk to you soon.
Love, Mom
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