Dear God,
I'm in a heap of stress and I'd like to hand it all over to you, so I can relax and not worry!
My husband and I had our son die in labor December 4th, 2010. We are just beginning to deal with this grief and trauma and on top of it all, my job is in jeopardy. I've been supporting my husband financially for almost 2 years now. In that time we've made so many sacrifices, and I've gone through an entire pregnancy only to lose my son and now this. I'm really spiritually & emotionally tired.
Here's what I wish for:
Right now, I'd love to be able to get out of here with 6 weeks pay and come home to my husband telling me that he found steady work! This will be the tag team in the rally race of life, I'll pass my baton to him and he'll run with it! Meanwhile, I am applying for work where I can, but something tells me my talents can be better used elsewhere, do you agree?
So take my burdens, ALL OF THEM, and let me live stress free & care free! I will trust you'll send me messages that everything will be just fine so that I continue not to worry at all and enjoy my life the way I was meant to.
Here are my nagging thoughts:
What about taxes? Are we going to be able to pay what we owe? What are we going to owe since we didn't have a baby nor pay any taxes?
If I lose my job, what will we do about benefits? Will I have health care? What if I get pregnant again and we don't have health care? Are we going to be ok?
ARE WE GOING TO BE OKAY?
Your fan.
Jennifer
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Heart Torn In Two
My heart breaks at times when I least expect it. There is no way to know when it comes, I can just hope to deal with it the best I can.
I happen to be the best aunt in the world to two amazing kids. Adelee is almost 4 & Gordie is almost 3. They were well aware of the baby and were so excited to meet their new cousin! However, they never got to meet him, yet they know he existed. My sis in law has told them that James is now an angel, so to my knowledge they understand he came out of me and he's mine but just not "here."
Heart break #1 - Gordie hands me a baby toy and says "for baby" which means put it under my shirt so baby can have it.
*Insert sound of heart breaking*
Heart break #2 - Adelee was coloring a picture, she turns to me and asks "Jenny, does your baby have three toes?" She caught me off guard, but not so painful. Then she turns and asks "Jenny, does James have spiky hair?" And heart totally broken, tears forming, can hardly speak through a frowned mouth "uh, yes he does." I got up to go to the bathroom to cry. I can never see these coming, just gotta roll with it! As a result I have the coolest picture on our fridge of me and my baby James with spiky hair.
I happen to be the best aunt in the world to two amazing kids. Adelee is almost 4 & Gordie is almost 3. They were well aware of the baby and were so excited to meet their new cousin! However, they never got to meet him, yet they know he existed. My sis in law has told them that James is now an angel, so to my knowledge they understand he came out of me and he's mine but just not "here."
Heart break #1 - Gordie hands me a baby toy and says "for baby" which means put it under my shirt so baby can have it.
*Insert sound of heart breaking*
Heart break #2 - Adelee was coloring a picture, she turns to me and asks "Jenny, does your baby have three toes?" She caught me off guard, but not so painful. Then she turns and asks "Jenny, does James have spiky hair?" And heart totally broken, tears forming, can hardly speak through a frowned mouth "uh, yes he does." I got up to go to the bathroom to cry. I can never see these coming, just gotta roll with it! As a result I have the coolest picture on our fridge of me and my baby James with spiky hair.
Mothers Society Membership
I've been telling this story and feel it ought to be on the blog!
I recently attended a friends bridal shower in a lovely old home built in the 1940's, originally built in cape cod style as an art gallery. The home was well worth the trip and was the quintessential setting for an afternoon celebration. Mimosas, pear trees with white petals falling off the trees, & appetizers served in endives. Lovely surroundings, but I felt "off."
Here I was in the nicest clothes I could find (black cotton Target skirt, lose purple top to hide my pudge and flip flops). Socializing was a bit difficult, feelings of displacement crept up all day. At one point we went around the room to introduce ourselves and mention how we knew the bride. I hadn't been in a situation like this since losing my son so I wasn't sure how to BE. During conversations, I hoped no one asked me if I had kids or what not. Especially in a setting where we were on our best behavior and probably shouldn't talk about things such as dead babies.
At the end of the shower, there was a contingent of ladies in the hallway - the older generation on one end and the younger crew on the other. Us younger gals were listening to the moms talk about the Mothers Society. Directed at a their young family member with 2 kids - "Well she's not really a part of the Mothers Society yet. She hasn't suffered enough! She had a perfect pregnancy and then an easy delivery, so no, she's not a member yet."
I stood there stunned my heart about to jump out of my chest. I could NOT hold back the tears in my eyes and began worrying about making a scene as I quietly wiped my tears with the hopes of not being noticed. The dialog in my head was saying - "This could be so bad! One of those moms could turn and ask me what's wrong, or anyone could and then they'd have to find out what happened to me! I don't want to make a scene and ruin a great shower for my friend. Jen pull it together until you get to the save haven of your car!"
In my therapeutic fantasy, here's what I really say to those moms -
"She gave birth to live babies!!! That deserves membership I think!!! What about me? Have I suffered enough to gain membership? Or do I not qualify since my baby died?"
Fortunately - I made a clean escape without making a scene and cried all the way home to make a call to my mom for some much needed conversation. Unfortunately - that incident was a wreck I did NOT see coming.
I recently attended a friends bridal shower in a lovely old home built in the 1940's, originally built in cape cod style as an art gallery. The home was well worth the trip and was the quintessential setting for an afternoon celebration. Mimosas, pear trees with white petals falling off the trees, & appetizers served in endives. Lovely surroundings, but I felt "off."
Here I was in the nicest clothes I could find (black cotton Target skirt, lose purple top to hide my pudge and flip flops). Socializing was a bit difficult, feelings of displacement crept up all day. At one point we went around the room to introduce ourselves and mention how we knew the bride. I hadn't been in a situation like this since losing my son so I wasn't sure how to BE. During conversations, I hoped no one asked me if I had kids or what not. Especially in a setting where we were on our best behavior and probably shouldn't talk about things such as dead babies.
At the end of the shower, there was a contingent of ladies in the hallway - the older generation on one end and the younger crew on the other. Us younger gals were listening to the moms talk about the Mothers Society. Directed at a their young family member with 2 kids - "Well she's not really a part of the Mothers Society yet. She hasn't suffered enough! She had a perfect pregnancy and then an easy delivery, so no, she's not a member yet."
I stood there stunned my heart about to jump out of my chest. I could NOT hold back the tears in my eyes and began worrying about making a scene as I quietly wiped my tears with the hopes of not being noticed. The dialog in my head was saying - "This could be so bad! One of those moms could turn and ask me what's wrong, or anyone could and then they'd have to find out what happened to me! I don't want to make a scene and ruin a great shower for my friend. Jen pull it together until you get to the save haven of your car!"
In my therapeutic fantasy, here's what I really say to those moms -
"She gave birth to live babies!!! That deserves membership I think!!! What about me? Have I suffered enough to gain membership? Or do I not qualify since my baby died?"
Fortunately - I made a clean escape without making a scene and cried all the way home to make a call to my mom for some much needed conversation. Unfortunately - that incident was a wreck I did NOT see coming.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Lessons
Today was another day at work. Trying to get through the day and take my mind of my loss when my friend Emily comes to my desk and says: "Anita's husband died last night."
Anita is a close friend I worked with and kept i touch with. She and I shared our insightful Yogi tea tags together and we still do via email. Anita is a sweet shy woman with the biggest heart and her life has been hard enough to last 10 lifetimes. In a recent email, Anita was telling me Tony's mom was in the hospital with pneumonia and they found that her cancer had returned. Before that I saw her for lunch soon after my son died and she was giving me an update on her sisters lung cancer. New Years even 2010, her beloved cat passed away and it was a very difficult thing for her to deal with. Back when we worked together I learned that she and Tony have been trying to have kids for about 3-4 years and that her parents were violently murdered when she was in her 20's. My GOD! HOW DOES ONE PERSON DEAL WITH ALL THAT? Anita doesn't complain at all either, she was content in her safe corner of life.
After hearing about Tony, I wonder if his hypertensive heart failure was induced by stress? Do we have too much going on these days in our lives? Did people keel over like this in the 1800's before cars, the internet, cell phones, electricity, stress? Do we need to seriously slow down? Perhaps we ought to stop saying yes to everything, doing things against our will and distracting ourselves with devices? Have we lost touch as a species?
Nothing is guaranteed in this life. Struggles like mine and Anita's are a fucking bitch. Life picks you up and drops you in a new location with familiar surroundings, but you know it's not your former life. So what are we mourning here? The loss of someone we loved? The loss of the life we once new? The life we hoped and dreamed would be our future? Cuz it's obviously not a fucking guarantee!!
All I do know is that it is our DUTY love all over the people in our life while they are here.
Anita is a close friend I worked with and kept i touch with. She and I shared our insightful Yogi tea tags together and we still do via email. Anita is a sweet shy woman with the biggest heart and her life has been hard enough to last 10 lifetimes. In a recent email, Anita was telling me Tony's mom was in the hospital with pneumonia and they found that her cancer had returned. Before that I saw her for lunch soon after my son died and she was giving me an update on her sisters lung cancer. New Years even 2010, her beloved cat passed away and it was a very difficult thing for her to deal with. Back when we worked together I learned that she and Tony have been trying to have kids for about 3-4 years and that her parents were violently murdered when she was in her 20's. My GOD! HOW DOES ONE PERSON DEAL WITH ALL THAT? Anita doesn't complain at all either, she was content in her safe corner of life.
After hearing about Tony, I wonder if his hypertensive heart failure was induced by stress? Do we have too much going on these days in our lives? Did people keel over like this in the 1800's before cars, the internet, cell phones, electricity, stress? Do we need to seriously slow down? Perhaps we ought to stop saying yes to everything, doing things against our will and distracting ourselves with devices? Have we lost touch as a species?
Nothing is guaranteed in this life. Struggles like mine and Anita's are a fucking bitch. Life picks you up and drops you in a new location with familiar surroundings, but you know it's not your former life. So what are we mourning here? The loss of someone we loved? The loss of the life we once new? The life we hoped and dreamed would be our future? Cuz it's obviously not a fucking guarantee!!
All I do know is that it is our DUTY love all over the people in our life while they are here.
Rant
FB Status: Dear family & friends - please refrain from ignoring us, we are not fragile and need your love and attention now more than ever. WHERE ARE YOU?
FB Status: What I really want to say right now would piss everyone off, so I'll keep it to myself.
FB Status: How can everyone just go on with their lives? What about us!? Pay us more attention, PLEASE! We need it.
FB Status: The food deliveries are done, no more cards or flowers being delivered. We are now in the abyss of solitude and wish more people would pay attention to us. We need help.
FB Status: There are people I need now more than ever in my life, but their attention is going to other parts of their lives. Makes me sad that I'm sitting here in pain with no one to talk to.
FB Status: I wonder how I could make some new friends that have also had their baby die on them.
FB Status: Do you think my baby is trying to send me messages through people, animals, etc.?
FB Status: Today I'm wearing a favorite pre-pregnancy shirt that is too small. I feel fat, frazzled and gross. Maybe it's time I really stop making excuses why I won't exercise.
FB Status: I should stop drinking coffee. But it's the one constant right now in my life that brings me comfort. So, no it's not time to quit yet.
FB Status: Maybe I need to get out of my own head, stop sitting at home and start living my life again?
FB Status: What I really want to say right now would piss everyone off, so I'll keep it to myself.
FB Status: How can everyone just go on with their lives? What about us!? Pay us more attention, PLEASE! We need it.
FB Status: The food deliveries are done, no more cards or flowers being delivered. We are now in the abyss of solitude and wish more people would pay attention to us. We need help.
FB Status: There are people I need now more than ever in my life, but their attention is going to other parts of their lives. Makes me sad that I'm sitting here in pain with no one to talk to.
FB Status: I wonder how I could make some new friends that have also had their baby die on them.
FB Status: Do you think my baby is trying to send me messages through people, animals, etc.?
FB Status: Today I'm wearing a favorite pre-pregnancy shirt that is too small. I feel fat, frazzled and gross. Maybe it's time I really stop making excuses why I won't exercise.
FB Status: I should stop drinking coffee. But it's the one constant right now in my life that brings me comfort. So, no it's not time to quit yet.
FB Status: Maybe I need to get out of my own head, stop sitting at home and start living my life again?
Friday, February 11, 2011
A Course In Weight Loss
Sometimes book referrals come to us for a reason because it's time for us to read them.
My dear friend Sherry mentioned this one to me and after reading a bit on amazon, I was sold!
"A Course In Weight Loss - 21 Spiritual Lessons For Surrendering Your Weight Forever" by Marianne Williamson
Lesson #2 - Thin-You, meet Not-Thin You.
Write a letter from Thin-You to Not-Thin You:
Dear Big Jennifer,
I am so sorry for not being nice to you EVER. I've abused you for so many years. You probably hate my guts and never ever want to be my friend again. I've hated you, judged you, told you horrible things about yourself, made you feel embarrassed, shamed you, made you feel unworthy. And I think I've done this to you for what, 24 years!? This is the first time I've ever spoken to you in peace - looking at you for who you are. I've always tried so hard to get rid of you and want to make you go away, but how can I when you are a part of me?
I can see how much pain you are in. And I want to reach out a peace brach your way to make amends. Please consider this my act of faith and love. You are a part of me and you are beautiful just the way you are. All your "ugly parts" are just the trauma and pain you carry around, it's not your fault. God is here with us to carry those burdens. Together we can do anything, so I vow right now that I will be your teammate. I am your best friend, we are in this together and I love you. I make a commitment from today on that I will no longer be mean, judge you, hate you, embarrass you, or cause you any more pain!
Come be my friend, come heal with me. Together we can get into those cute jeans, we can make love happen for us. We can build our confidence and self worth. We can make it okay to look and feel thin. Come heal with me, you deserve to be loved just like everyone else we see.
Again, I'm so sorry for abusing you. You never deserved that and it ends today.
Love,
Thin Jen
Write a letter from Not-Thin You to Thin-You:
Dear Thin Jen,
You horrible raging BITCH! How could you be so mean to me over the years? I'm hurting so much, there's no need to kick me when I'm down! At every juncture, you've abused me and wanted me to die. Everytime you look in the mirror you've made me feel disgusting, gross, obscene. You stuff me with food that will give me comfort, but you're really just trying to kill me slowly. Stop right now, stop with all this bullshit. You can never get rid of me because I am a part of you. I am here and will always be here, so it's time you start loving me god damn it! I need to be loved just like you love everyone else! You love so many other people more besides me. In fact, I don't think there's anyone you hate more in your life than me.
I know you've hated me for so long, but I am willing to reconsider a reconciliation with you based on what you've told me. I believe that this is real, I believe you are genuine when you say you'll never abuse me again. Just please go easy on me and be gentle. I know that together we can do anything - I feel it in my heart and I think it could be fun! Instead of us fighting all the time, let's join forces and let love in. It's you and me against the world baby. We can now work together on every aspect of our life without this inner battle. We have a beautiful life to live and I'm tired of wasting it on each other. Thank you for loving me.
Love,
Big Jennifer
My dear friend Sherry mentioned this one to me and after reading a bit on amazon, I was sold!
"A Course In Weight Loss - 21 Spiritual Lessons For Surrendering Your Weight Forever" by Marianne Williamson
Lesson #2 - Thin-You, meet Not-Thin You.
Write a letter from Thin-You to Not-Thin You:
Dear Big Jennifer,
I am so sorry for not being nice to you EVER. I've abused you for so many years. You probably hate my guts and never ever want to be my friend again. I've hated you, judged you, told you horrible things about yourself, made you feel embarrassed, shamed you, made you feel unworthy. And I think I've done this to you for what, 24 years!? This is the first time I've ever spoken to you in peace - looking at you for who you are. I've always tried so hard to get rid of you and want to make you go away, but how can I when you are a part of me?
I can see how much pain you are in. And I want to reach out a peace brach your way to make amends. Please consider this my act of faith and love. You are a part of me and you are beautiful just the way you are. All your "ugly parts" are just the trauma and pain you carry around, it's not your fault. God is here with us to carry those burdens. Together we can do anything, so I vow right now that I will be your teammate. I am your best friend, we are in this together and I love you. I make a commitment from today on that I will no longer be mean, judge you, hate you, embarrass you, or cause you any more pain!
Come be my friend, come heal with me. Together we can get into those cute jeans, we can make love happen for us. We can build our confidence and self worth. We can make it okay to look and feel thin. Come heal with me, you deserve to be loved just like everyone else we see.
Again, I'm so sorry for abusing you. You never deserved that and it ends today.
Love,
Thin Jen
Write a letter from Not-Thin You to Thin-You:
Dear Thin Jen,
You horrible raging BITCH! How could you be so mean to me over the years? I'm hurting so much, there's no need to kick me when I'm down! At every juncture, you've abused me and wanted me to die. Everytime you look in the mirror you've made me feel disgusting, gross, obscene. You stuff me with food that will give me comfort, but you're really just trying to kill me slowly. Stop right now, stop with all this bullshit. You can never get rid of me because I am a part of you. I am here and will always be here, so it's time you start loving me god damn it! I need to be loved just like you love everyone else! You love so many other people more besides me. In fact, I don't think there's anyone you hate more in your life than me.
I know you've hated me for so long, but I am willing to reconsider a reconciliation with you based on what you've told me. I believe that this is real, I believe you are genuine when you say you'll never abuse me again. Just please go easy on me and be gentle. I know that together we can do anything - I feel it in my heart and I think it could be fun! Instead of us fighting all the time, let's join forces and let love in. It's you and me against the world baby. We can now work together on every aspect of our life without this inner battle. We have a beautiful life to live and I'm tired of wasting it on each other. Thank you for loving me.
Love,
Big Jennifer
Knocked Up Knocked Down
My dad called me the other day and said "Jen, there's this Seattle writer I heard on NPR the other day. It sounds like she went through exactly what you went through."
Her name is Monica Murphy LeMoine and she's written a book entitled "Knocked Up Knocked Down" - what a perfect title.
She's got an award winning blog and I'd like to to commit to reading it almost everyday. Monica had a miscarriage and went on to lose a full term baby (just like me). And now she is the mom to her baby boy Sean! Since she's a new mom, she's vowed to end her blog and put it up on the shelf. So it's there for me to scour and revisit when I need her words.
Thank you Monica Murphy LeMoine for putting your story out there for other KuKd moms. Or for anyone who wanted to know more about the tragic fate parents experience when they face loss.
http://knockedupknockeddown.blogspot.com/
Her name is Monica Murphy LeMoine and she's written a book entitled "Knocked Up Knocked Down" - what a perfect title.
She's got an award winning blog and I'd like to to commit to reading it almost everyday. Monica had a miscarriage and went on to lose a full term baby (just like me). And now she is the mom to her baby boy Sean! Since she's a new mom, she's vowed to end her blog and put it up on the shelf. So it's there for me to scour and revisit when I need her words.
Thank you Monica Murphy LeMoine for putting your story out there for other KuKd moms. Or for anyone who wanted to know more about the tragic fate parents experience when they face loss.
http://knockedupknockeddown.blogspot.com/
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