Perspective

I'm grateful for my ability to look at my life from above and see a beautiful quilt.
This perspective happens more often now as an adult than it did when I was younger, but every time I see the harmony in my life it's truly remarkable.

Recently I was conversing with a friend about what a struggle it's been up until now to like my body and had a breakthrough. She asked when I first felt this way in my life. I traced it back to a family doctor's sending me off to lose weight because they saw my parents struggled with their weight and therefore I ought to prevent it starting at age 8. Seriously!?

Well, that event planted a 25 year belief in me that I was not okay the way I was born. Therefore I must see a nutritionist, eat "healthy" and exercise to lose weight.
It was not all black and white, but so many bad habits formed from this awful belief.
Friday was treat day and I was allowed any candy I wanted. Due to being put on a diets and rewarded with sweets, I became a closet eater eating for only comfort and a need to feel normal.

My latest breakthrough was a 3 hour conversation with my husband. We talked and talked about my perspective and beliefs growing up. He wanted to know why I had no consistency in my exercise routine. And the conversations forced me to cough up all the junk I'd been carrying with me.

The reasons for why I was the way I was, is because I was taught from a young age that exercise was something you did to lose weight. It was done as a form of punishment or out of guilt. That is why I could stay motivated for three months at a time and then had to quit!

The flip side is that I did get a chance to enjoy sports/movement in my life despite the self punishment. Dancing, Swim Team, Tennis Team, Skiing, Hiking were all normal parts of my childhood. And for this I'm grateful, because now these are the things I enjoy doing most.

My husband said the most simple phrase to me in our conversation - "Jen! It's a privilege to live in your body! Think about those that wish they could run at the park, or jump up and touch a tree branch. YOU can do those things and be so grateful for that!!" This was the shot in the arm I needed. A new perspective, because quite frankly the one I had for 25 years was hurting me.

I've since made a board of pictures and words to express this new perspective on myself. My body is amazing, I'm grateful for how beautiful I am & my strength.
Thank god for long conversations that give us new insight and help flush out old ideas. Fear has moved out and love is in.

Me on Table Mountain, WA - 2004

Seeing you in the gardens

May 6th was my 33rd birthday and five months after losing James.

We went to explore Descanso Gardens in La Canada. The gardens are amazingly beautiful and such a great way to spend a birthday. As we walked the grounds I noticed there was a butterfly flying around us. And As we walked farther, I kept seeing it - same color and everything. I said "Nel, see there he is again! I wonder why we're being followed" and Nel responded "honey, it's a garden I'm sure there's lots of butterflies." But I wasn't so sure.

On the back part of the Californian area, we stopped to take in the trees and a beautiful brown and white hawk landed in the tree above us. He sat, looking at us and we watched him with awe. We must have been there for 10 minutes until he flew to another tree. It's nice when you get a chance to observe nature like this.

Around the next bend in the path we noticed the butterfly again! It landed on a branch on a log in a path. As silly as it sounds, my intuition was telling me this could be James visiting us. I wandered up to check him out and he flew up around my head. I thought he was going to land on my hat! He settled on a branch just to my left about 6 feet high. Now Nel was coming up the path and we just stood there and stared at him. We got close but he did not fly away. We even talked to him and said "James, is that you?" and he put both his wings down as if to say yes. This moment was transcendental for us. We really felt like we were getting a rare glimpse into another realm. So we said "Okay James, we're going now you coming with us?" And as soon as we turned down the path he flew up above our heads following us.

This experience filled me up with so much love, that it carried me into Mother's day two days later.

Thank you James for your presence.
We are learning so much from you.

Love, Mom & Dad

Day 6 - Juice Fast

Today was amazing.

We woke up and weighed ourselves. Nelly is at: 230 and me 277!
We got up in the morning feeling lighter and more energetic.
Nelly still was battling some headaches and tension, but an afternoon run at the park got us sweating and feeling amazing. Sweating feels so good, especially when on the detox.

I made a soup today from the pulp of the veggies. It tasted to nice to have some hot veggie broth.

We are thrilled to be almost at the end of this. At least Nelly is, he's right now looking at pictures of hotdogs and pizza online - he likes to torture himself. But I have a feeling that once one us truly through a fast/detox, no cravings remain. I'm not the expert though and I always say, just follow your gut!

I on the other hand feel at the beginning of a journey and plan to continue along this road. I'd LOVE to see my weight get to 270 in the next 2 weeks. That would be epic for me....and then on to 240.

Thank you Joe Cross for making your movie.

Day 5 - Juice Fast

Day 5, we really took a look at this fast and realized all the side effects that come with detoxing - coated tongue, weird taste in the mouth, feeling like needing to sweat out toxins, skin breakouts, skin itching, dizziness, headaches, nausea and feeling lightheaded.

However despite the side effects, I'm still feeling very clear minded. Nelly still has side effects going on and some headaches.

I went to dance class last night just to test my abilities on this fast. I got through 45 minutes of hard dancing before I started to feel light headed, dizzy and nauseous. It felt really good to get a workout in, and at the same time see what my limit was.

Almost to the end of our cleanse, and I feel like it's only just begun.

Day 4 - Juice Fast

Day 4 we drank Beet, Carrot, Ginger & Lemon.
I am feeling great and have lots of energy. Nelly on the other hand had some big mood swings, cravings and headaches. And he almost broke down and ordered some Chinese soup last night. We've been experiencing bad breath, white coated tongues, dizziness, fuzzy heads, aches, skin itching, etc.

I went to see friends yesterday and listened to a program on the radio about food. At first I was going to turn it off since I thought it may bring on some cravings, however it turned out to be exactly what I needed. Three women conversed with book author Dayna Macy about her book "Ravenous - A food lovers journey from Obsession to freedom." Dayna took a year long journey to change her relationship to food. She met with farmers, butchers & food artisans to get herself to a place of freedom and balance with her food.

This is what I'm talking about!!! This is what I was looking for and here it is in a book already written up!? It was so fun listening to these women talk about what's in my head. What is your relationship with food? How can I be truly satisfied with so many choices around me? How can I maintain a healthy weight for my body yet not be obsessed with food?

I'm glad to be facing these questions during this reboot. It's allowing me time to reflect on my relationship with food and what it looks like from the outside.

Day 3 - Juice Fast

Day 3 was good!! Some of the food cravings continued for us both and they seem to come on around 4pm-7pm (dinner time). I have good energy and feel freed from the bondage food can bring. We discussed how much of our life revolves around food!! It's refreshing for me to not have to cook and worry or stress or think about food. I can see this fast rebooting not only my body, but also my beliefs. We are re-teaching ourselves how to enjoy life outside of meals. : )
Poor Nelly had another hard day. His head was fuzzy again, headaches from caffeine withdrawal and no food. Onward and upward, I have a feeling that he will get off the fast sooner than I, so I've got to think about what it would be like to live in a home with one of us fasting and the other eating...insanity perhaps!?!? haha

Juice Fast Day 2

As I opened my eyes from deep restful sleep, my energy came rushing in with emotions of excitement for day 2 - I must be crazy, but this fast fits me like a glove.

Last night we were craving food, so we wrote down everything we would eat if put in front of us:

Jenny - Teryaki Chicken with rice, Burger, Fries, Thai Food (esp. Phad Thai), Chips, Hummus, Ice Cream, BBQ & Chocolate Covered Almonds.
Nelly - Chick-Fil-A, Joe Peeps, Fried Chicken, KFC Chicken, Del Taco, Chicken Parm from Chi Chi's, Indian, Chinese, Seafood - "you could put anything in front of me right now and I'd eat it, even a slop bucket!" Nel says. His stomach was growling!

I think we did pretty well for the first day. I had lost 5 pounds previous to this fast by counting my calories for the 10 days prior. Yay me. And I had amazing energy yesterday afternoon and evening! I wanted a project, something physical - I have not felt that energetic in years.

Nelson weighed himself today and he is 5 pounds down. He's truly amazed by this. We think it's his metabolism and body getting rid of junk! I think I'm down at least 1 pound.

Today I have an immense amount of energy and my mind is crystal clear. I'm thinking, why didn't I do this sooner!?

Yesterday's diet: 4 glasses of mean green for Nel and 3 for me. We both had a small glass of pure orange juice and a cup of tea.

Day 2: Nelly - 235, Jenny - 283
Note: This fast is not just about weight loss. This is a spiritual cleanse, a physical cleanse - an overall reboot.

Fat, sick and nearly dead

There is a wonderful documentary out there on Netflix called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." It portrays Australian business man Joe Cross' 60 day juice fast adventure to health as he drives across the United States from New York to San Diego. Joe suffers from an autoimmune disorder and has vowed (with the approval from his doctor) to do a 60 day vegetable/fruit juice fast.

Along the way, he loses roughly 70 pounds and gains new insight into his health. In Winslow, Arizona he met Phil. As a truck driver, Phil's diet consists of mostly fast food. It happens to be that 429 pound Phil suffers from the same problem Joe is, so Phil decides he wants to change his life and tries the fast with Joe's guidance. Consulting his doctor along the way, Phil went the entire 60 days and lost roughly 150 pounds. He quit truck driving and now works in his community helping others get healthy.

This movie inspired Nelson and I so much, that we decided to try and 7 day juice fast ourselves! We are a bit fat, not sick at all and not nearly dead. We've been juicing for about 2 years as a supplement to our diet, but this is new territory for us both.

Today marks day 1 - Went to Vons (Safeway) and bought $103 worth of vegetables and fruits for 3-4 days worth. Today we are juicing the "Mean Green Monkey." 8 bulks of kale, 4 bulks of celery, 8 cucumbers, 10 granny smith apples, 3 lemons and ginger root.

We are feeling excited and a bit anxious! We hid all food and tossed any remnants of food so we're not tempted. We will distract ourselves with going to the park, watching TV, writing and music. Weight today, Nelson: 240 - Jennifer: 285

Day 1 begins...

Selfish Temper Tantrum

From where I sit, it's easy to think too much and find my day to day happiness in others.
I'm not working full-time and I have no kids to take care of. So here I am stuck with my own thoughts and needs.
The event of a tragedy changes everything. It changes the way you live, the way you operate, the way you think about your life, about yourself, about others and it really changes the way people interact with me. We are the ones it happened to, the ones who are different now because of some horrid event.
So because it's all screwed up on both ends, I get livid when people go on with their lives and forget about us. Insert my own little temper tantrum, thought I of course logically know people don't mean it, they just have lives to lead.
There are so many people that I've reached out to in hopes that they will have us over for dinner, or maybe call to hang out, but they don't. No emails, no texts, no calls. I'm left isolated in my grief.
Besides our loving family, we've only had 1 couple reach out to us and have us over for dinner in the 6 months since losing our son.
I want to send out this memo: Yes, we had something tragic happen to us, but we're okay. We survived it and are in special need of being surrounded by friends and family for at least one year. Please don't hesitate to have us over for dinner, invite us out for a fun event and of course, do NOT be afraid to talk to us about what happened! It's on our brains all the time anyways, so being able to talk about it with you tells us that you care and allows us to keep moving forward with the friendship.

Isolation + Grief = Insanity

Empty The Barrel

I've been laying in bed thinking the words that I ought to write and finally got up and logged into my blog.
There are bad days like today that don't happen too often, but when they do occur, I can't even stand being with myself I'm so miserable.
I wake up and cry, talk to someone, cry, thinking about how others can't respond back to outreach and it upsets me to no end. I'm just not myself and it sucks. It's so uncomfortable because I can't recognize who this grief stricken person is. I seriously want to crawl into a hole and stay there until my mood lifts.
Here I am broken and dysfunctional for the moment. The only thing that sounds good is to empty my barrel of emotions and feelings that have been building up inside of me for weeks.
I gotta take the therapists suggestion and continue to write, continue to clean house and get this stuff out of my mind, out of my body and out of my spiritual realm!
Yes I lost my son and yes this is the reason I feel this way, but what sucks is that I don't even have to be thinking of him to be struck with depression and grief. It's like a wave of sorrow that hits like a weather pattern; today is going to be cloudy with a 90% chance of depression, good luck!
When it gets to this moment, there are no movies, music, aka distractions that work to keep the pain away.
Dump, dump, dump the barrel and get it out Jen!!!

Tomorrow's Vision

Last week in our grief group I talked about how great I am at worrying about the future.
WHAT IF I LOSE MY JOB, WHAT IF THEY LAY ME OFF NEXT WEEK, WHAT IF THEY DON'T GIVE ME A SEVERANCE, WHAT IF WE CAN'T FIND WORK RIGHT AWAY, WHAT IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THE BILLS, WHAT ABOUT THE HOSPITAL BILL, WHAT ABOUT OWING TAXES, ETC ETC ETC
She called this future "What If'ing," putting my energy out there in the future when it's most needed right here in the present. She suggested I put a rubber band on my wrist and to snap it each time I begin thinking this way. Doing this changes my response to these thoughts that waste my energy and DO NOT help my cause.
I pray for future children. I pray for happy full time jobs we both love. I pray for a nice new apartment or home. I pray for more happiness & joy to enter my life. I pray for healing. I pray for more energy. These are all experiences I pray will manifest throughout my life this year.

Perhaps if I can remember to snap my thoughts back away from the fear, I can switch them over to feelings of joy and abundance. All I can do is try.

xo

Soundtrack Of Our Lives

So, you know how you hear a song on the radio and it can take you right back to a specific moment!? Well each area of my life that has been momentous has music attached to it. I know this is not original, but music for a lot of us is a tool for healing, it gets us through life, it lifts our mood after a good cry, or expresses something that our own words can't express. That's where music comes in.

Thank god for a young man from Ireland whose music found me while I walk through a very dark valley in my life. His poetry says what my heart feels. His music flows along with the stream of my thoughts. His name is James Vincent McMorrow. I still don't know what this man went through to create such good music, but he's got it. He holed himself up in a house on the coast of Ireland for five months armed with his instruments, and a computer. It began as a project to write songs and his new album Early In The Morning was born.

I happened to be listening to the local college station and they were talking about a wonderful new artist from Ireland with a hauntingly beautiful new album that everyone should buy. After getting to work I looked him up and played all 5 songs on his website for a week straight. I was finding solace, peace, words explaining my emotions and music expressing my feelings in his artistry.
I finally bought his album this weekend and look forward to getting to know his other songs.

Maybe this is a sweet gift from my James. Sending me new music at this time in my life when I need it most. And I smile at the fact that both my James are helping me heal just a little bit more.

xo

Baby Growing

Why is it that I have moments of longing at times when I least expect it?
Nelson and I were at a hockey game the other night. We had great seats thanks to a friend and out of no where around the 3rd period I began remembering what it felt like to hold James inside of me. The way my body changed to accommodate his new living arrangements. It brought me peace and some happiness, but mixed with a little sadness too.

My body has been through so much and I find it difficult to love my body after what it's been through. No breastfeeding to keep my metabolism going, so any exercise or efforts to eat right seem futile. But I still try despite the depression.

There was a cute little girl 2 rows in front of us and she had to be about 2 or 3 years old. I of course thought about having my own child. What does it feel like to hold you own live child? I know it's a terrific feeling because every woman I see with their kids are so happy with them and show them so much love.

I'm no medical professional but I think my body could produce another child right now as is. However we want to try and get my weight down just to make life that much easier for the journey. Why won't the weight come off? I'm tired of beating myself up for being in this physical state. The only physical reminders of what I went through are my stupid c-section scar and the stretch marks on my stomach. I'm always surprised that my husband still finds me the least bit attractive. But he does! Thank god.

Giving birth to life is unknown for me, but carrying and developing life inside me is not at all foreign. I pray that god sends us babies to make, give birth to and raise. But just for now, I love remembering what it felt like to have my sweet baby boy growing and moving inside me.

xoxo

Dear Jamezee

Dear James my sweet little boy,

Your dad and I have many nicknames for you! This is what we do in this family, find every variation to your name as humanly possible! I love calling you James-E (Jamezee) after your initials James E. Your dad calls you Jimmy and Jussi. : )
I want you to know I feel our connection, mother to son. I feel the bond between us made early on in the pregnancy when I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me.
I think of you often and feel more comfortable writing to you rather than speaking to you. I sometimes talk to you, but know that I'm much more comfortable sending my thoughts your way and writing to you.

We love you little one and hope you are happy and joyful wherever you are and whomever you are WITH! Are you with family? I hope so.

Talk to you soon.
Love, Mom

Crap

Dear God,

I'm in a heap of stress and I'd like to hand it all over to you, so I can relax and not worry!
My husband and I had our son die in labor December 4th, 2010. We are just beginning to deal with this grief and trauma and on top of it all, my job is in jeopardy. I've been supporting my husband financially for almost 2 years now. In that time we've made so many sacrifices, and I've gone through an entire pregnancy only to lose my son and now this. I'm really spiritually & emotionally tired.

Here's what I wish for:
Right now, I'd love to be able to get out of here with 6 weeks pay and come home to my husband telling me that he found steady work! This will be the tag team in the rally race of life, I'll pass my baton to him and he'll run with it! Meanwhile, I am applying for work where I can, but something tells me my talents can be better used elsewhere, do you agree?

So take my burdens, ALL OF THEM, and let me live stress free & care free! I will trust you'll send me messages that everything will be just fine so that I continue not to worry at all and enjoy my life the way I was meant to.

Here are my nagging thoughts:
What about taxes? Are we going to be able to pay what we owe? What are we going to owe since we didn't have a baby nor pay any taxes?
If I lose my job, what will we do about benefits? Will I have health care? What if I get pregnant again and we don't have health care? Are we going to be ok?

ARE WE GOING TO BE OKAY?

Your fan.
Jennifer

Heart Torn In Two

My heart breaks at times when I least expect it. There is no way to know when it comes, I can just hope to deal with it the best I can.

I happen to be the best aunt in the world to two amazing kids. Adelee is almost 4 & Gordie is almost 3. They were well aware of the baby and were so excited to meet their new cousin! However, they never got to meet him, yet they know he existed. My sis in law has told them that James is now an angel, so to my knowledge they understand he came out of me and he's mine but just not "here."

Heart break #1 - Gordie hands me a baby toy and says "for baby" which means put it under my shirt so baby can have it.
*Insert sound of heart breaking*

Heart break #2 - Adelee was coloring a picture, she turns to me and asks "Jenny, does your baby have three toes?" She caught me off guard, but not so painful. Then she turns and asks "Jenny, does James have spiky hair?" And heart totally broken, tears forming, can hardly speak through a frowned mouth "uh, yes he does." I got up to go to the bathroom to cry. I can never see these coming, just gotta roll with it! As a result I have the coolest picture on our fridge of me and my baby James with spiky hair.

Mothers Society Membership

I've been telling this story and feel it ought to be on the blog!

I recently attended a friends bridal shower in a lovely old home built in the 1940's, originally built in cape cod style as an art gallery. The home was well worth the trip and was the quintessential setting for an afternoon celebration. Mimosas, pear trees with white petals falling off the trees, & appetizers served in endives. Lovely surroundings, but I felt "off."

Here I was in the nicest clothes I could find (black cotton Target skirt, lose purple top to hide my pudge and flip flops). Socializing was a bit difficult, feelings of displacement crept up all day. At one point we went around the room to introduce ourselves and mention how we knew the bride. I hadn't been in a situation like this since losing my son so I wasn't sure how to BE. During conversations, I hoped no one asked me if I had kids or what not. Especially in a setting where we were on our best behavior and probably shouldn't talk about things such as dead babies.

At the end of the shower, there was a contingent of ladies in the hallway - the older generation on one end and the younger crew on the other. Us younger gals were listening to the moms talk about the Mothers Society. Directed at a their young family member with 2 kids - "Well she's not really a part of the Mothers Society yet. She hasn't suffered enough! She had a perfect pregnancy and then an easy delivery, so no, she's not a member yet."

I stood there stunned my heart about to jump out of my chest. I could NOT hold back the tears in my eyes and began worrying about making a scene as I quietly wiped my tears with the hopes of not being noticed. The dialog in my head was saying - "This could be so bad! One of those moms could turn and ask me what's wrong, or anyone could and then they'd have to find out what happened to me! I don't want to make a scene and ruin a great shower for my friend. Jen pull it together until you get to the save haven of your car!"

In my therapeutic fantasy, here's what I really say to those moms -
"She gave birth to live babies!!! That deserves membership I think!!! What about me? Have I suffered enough to gain membership? Or do I not qualify since my baby died?"

Fortunately - I made a clean escape without making a scene and cried all the way home to make a call to my mom for some much needed conversation. Unfortunately - that incident was a wreck I did NOT see coming.

Lessons

Today was another day at work. Trying to get through the day and take my mind of my loss when my friend Emily comes to my desk and says: "Anita's husband died last night."

Anita is a close friend I worked with and kept i touch with. She and I shared our insightful Yogi tea tags together and we still do via email. Anita is a sweet shy woman with the biggest heart and her life has been hard enough to last 10 lifetimes. In a recent email, Anita was telling me Tony's mom was in the hospital with pneumonia and they found that her cancer had returned. Before that I saw her for lunch soon after my son died and she was giving me an update on her sisters lung cancer. New Years even 2010, her beloved cat passed away and it was a very difficult thing for her to deal with. Back when we worked together I learned that she and Tony have been trying to have kids for about 3-4 years and that her parents were violently murdered when she was in her 20's. My GOD! HOW DOES ONE PERSON DEAL WITH ALL THAT? Anita doesn't complain at all either, she was content in her safe corner of life.

After hearing about Tony, I wonder if his hypertensive heart failure was induced by stress? Do we have too much going on these days in our lives? Did people keel over like this in the 1800's before cars, the internet, cell phones, electricity, stress? Do we need to seriously slow down? Perhaps we ought to stop saying yes to everything, doing things against our will and distracting ourselves with devices? Have we lost touch as a species?

Nothing is guaranteed in this life. Struggles like mine and Anita's are a fucking bitch. Life picks you up and drops you in a new location with familiar surroundings, but you know it's not your former life. So what are we mourning here? The loss of someone we loved? The loss of the life we once new? The life we hoped and dreamed would be our future? Cuz it's obviously not a fucking guarantee!!

All I do know is that it is our DUTY love all over the people in our life while they are here.

Rant

FB Status: Dear family & friends - please refrain from ignoring us, we are not fragile and need your love and attention now more than ever. WHERE ARE YOU?

FB Status: What I really want to say right now would piss everyone off, so I'll keep it to myself.

FB Status: How can everyone just go on with their lives? What about us!? Pay us more attention, PLEASE! We need it.

FB Status: The food deliveries are done, no more cards or flowers being delivered. We are now in the abyss of solitude and wish more people would pay attention to us. We need help.

FB Status: There are people I need now more than ever in my life, but their attention is going to other parts of their lives. Makes me sad that I'm sitting here in pain with no one to talk to.

FB Status: I wonder how I could make some new friends that have also had their baby die on them.

FB Status: Do you think my baby is trying to send me messages through people, animals, etc.?

FB Status: Today I'm wearing a favorite pre-pregnancy shirt that is too small. I feel fat, frazzled and gross. Maybe it's time I really stop making excuses why I won't exercise.

FB Status: I should stop drinking coffee. But it's the one constant right now in my life that brings me comfort. So, no it's not time to quit yet.

FB Status: Maybe I need to get out of my own head, stop sitting at home and start living my life again?

A Course In Weight Loss

Sometimes book referrals come to us for a reason because it's time for us to read them.
My dear friend Sherry mentioned this one to me and after reading a bit on amazon, I was sold!

"A Course In Weight Loss - 21 Spiritual Lessons For Surrendering Your Weight Forever" by Marianne Williamson

Lesson #2 - Thin-You, meet Not-Thin You.
Write a letter from Thin-You to Not-Thin You:

Dear Big Jennifer,
I am so sorry for not being nice to you EVER. I've abused you for so many years. You probably hate my guts and never ever want to be my friend again. I've hated you, judged you, told you horrible things about yourself, made you feel embarrassed, shamed you, made you feel unworthy. And I think I've done this to you for what, 24 years!? This is the first time I've ever spoken to you in peace - looking at you for who you are. I've always tried so hard to get rid of you and want to make you go away, but how can I when you are a part of me?

I can see how much pain you are in. And I want to reach out a peace brach your way to make amends. Please consider this my act of faith and love. You are a part of me and you are beautiful just the way you are. All your "ugly parts" are just the trauma and pain you carry around, it's not your fault. God is here with us to carry those burdens. Together we can do anything, so I vow right now that I will be your teammate. I am your best friend, we are in this together and I love you. I make a commitment from today on that I will no longer be mean, judge you, hate you, embarrass you, or cause you any more pain!
Come be my friend, come heal with me. Together we can get into those cute jeans, we can make love happen for us. We can build our confidence and self worth. We can make it okay to look and feel thin. Come heal with me, you deserve to be loved just like everyone else we see.

Again, I'm so sorry for abusing you. You never deserved that and it ends today.

Love,
Thin Jen

Write a letter from Not-Thin You to Thin-You:

Dear Thin Jen,

You horrible raging BITCH! How could you be so mean to me over the years? I'm hurting so much, there's no need to kick me when I'm down! At every juncture, you've abused me and wanted me to die. Everytime you look in the mirror you've made me feel disgusting, gross, obscene. You stuff me with food that will give me comfort, but you're really just trying to kill me slowly. Stop right now, stop with all this bullshit. You can never get rid of me because I am a part of you. I am here and will always be here, so it's time you start loving me god damn it! I need to be loved just like you love everyone else! You love so many other people more besides me. In fact, I don't think there's anyone you hate more in your life than me.

I know you've hated me for so long, but I am willing to reconsider a reconciliation with you based on what you've told me. I believe that this is real, I believe you are genuine when you say you'll never abuse me again. Just please go easy on me and be gentle. I know that together we can do anything - I feel it in my heart and I think it could be fun! Instead of us fighting all the time, let's join forces and let love in. It's you and me against the world baby. We can now work together on every aspect of our life without this inner battle. We have a beautiful life to live and I'm tired of wasting it on each other. Thank you for loving me.

Love,
Big Jennifer

Knocked Up Knocked Down

My dad called me the other day and said "Jen, there's this Seattle writer I heard on NPR the other day. It sounds like she went through exactly what you went through."
Her name is Monica Murphy LeMoine and she's written a book entitled "Knocked Up Knocked Down" - what a perfect title.
She's got an award winning blog and I'd like to to commit to reading it almost everyday. Monica had a miscarriage and went on to lose a full term baby (just like me). And now she is the mom to her baby boy Sean! Since she's a new mom, she's vowed to end her blog and put it up on the shelf. So it's there for me to scour and revisit when I need her words.

Thank you Monica Murphy LeMoine for putting your story out there for other KuKd moms. Or for anyone who wanted to know more about the tragic fate parents experience when they face loss.

http://knockedupknockeddown.blogspot.com/

Women

So now that I'm more removed than I was from losing my son, I've been reaching out to those women who have experienced something similar. Why are there so many women each day that lose a baby? 2,000 women each day either experience pregnancy loss or infant loss. That's 700,000 per year and about 1/4 of each female!! So where is everyone? Why don't people open up and talk about this!? My god, we need each other to stay strong and walk forward!

Perhaps I can make a small difference in my community with this. The support groups that are in Los Angeles are not close to where we live. So with BINI Birth, I'm urging them to put a loss group together for anyone that needs a place to come and process/talk about their journey.

It gives me great hope to know that I could be helping some women in my area that went into the hospital hoping to bring their new baby into this world only to leave without a baby and experience the greatest tragedy any human could go through. That goes for ANY women & men who have experienced any sort of baby loss!

Shock

I can't believe what I've just been through.
My life was so happy, full of joy - me, my husband and our families were looking forward to the arrival of our first born child.
We had a beautiful pregnancy, so many beautiful moments I'll cherish forever. The feel of my sons first movements, the first time I got to see his heart beat, the growth of my belly and the marks he's left.
Next thing I know we were headed into the hospital for his delivery and they lay me down on the hospital bed to check his vitals. They could not find his heart beat.
I stared at the ceiling feeling numb all over. My doula held my hand and assured me that sometimes this can happen, the baby can hide from the instruments and that everything was going to be okay. I'm glad she focused me because my husband had to run home to get some papers, so he was not there to experience this concern.
The nurses called the doctor in and he did an ultrasound. He pointed out the baby's spine and where the heart should be beating....but no heart beat.
This is where I spiraled into complete terror, eyes glazing over, looking at my husband and seeing his same fear. I can't really remember what happened next.

Our doctor was in as much shock as we were since this pregnancy had been so healthy. Just 2 days earlier we were in his office having the baby's vitals checked and we both were doing amazing! Looking back on this day, I'll never forget James' movements and how good it felt to feel him moving inside of me.

Once we learned our baby had gone, I could not mentally deal with what I knew was to come. I had my dead son inside of me and we had to get him out. At this point I look over and saw my husband having a panic attack and being attended to by the nurses. The doctor was saying they were going to try birthing him naturally since that was the least harmful to my body. Nelson spoke up and said "I just don't want her to feel any pain, so please make sure she gets an epidural." Just hearing all this made me so sick. I am a student and follower of a natural lifestyle and at this point I just wanted to go away - just disappear from this horrible chaos.

The doctor put me on petocin and I got an epidural right away. Thank goodness I felt no pain and was able to get some sleep during the 8 hour process. Unfortunately, my body would not dilate past 5cm, so a natural birth was not possible. I had been so worried thinking I'd have to birth my dead baby naturally and FOR WHAT!? ALL THAT WORK FOR WHAT!? WHY EVEN TRY? JUST TAKE HIM OUT NOW!!
Our doctor was smart and really avoided all possible complications. Since I did not dilate he stopped the petocin for fear of hemorrhage. He then told us it was the best option to go in for a c-section in the morning. I felt relief with this since all I wanted was for James to be taken out without any work on my part. I had just come off laboring at home for 2 days and the last thing I wanted to endure was to birth my dead baby naturally...

The c-section went well, it was a little scary being back in an operating room. I'll never forget the moment they pulled James out of me. I could tell it was him and I arched my back and felt my baby be born! That was the moment I became a mom.
The next events in surgery were to clean and close me up - the doctor said "okay, let's put her uterus back in" and they began conversing about tennis.

In the recovery room, Nelson and I were able to have James with us. They cleaned him up nice and delivered him to our room. All of our grief and fear were completely removed at his presence. Here in front of us was pure beauty, pure joy that WE CREATED!! I am so proud to have made such a beautiful baby boy!! We spent some priceless time with him noticing he had my nose, my upper lip, my lips and Nel's body (tall and lanky) with huge feet and hands. His skin was so soft to the touch, so very precious. These are the moments I will cherish for the rest of my life...
However it was an alternate universe...we were going through the motions in shock, surviving and would one day look back and feel so much denial.

After spending this time with James, we were moved to another recovery room and said goodbye to our son. It was so hard for me to be wheeled away from him, seeing him lying there in the bassinet while I was leaving. I was forever being separated from the little boy that grew inside my belly - the baby boy that I created. My sweet angel.

During recovery, we were visited by family and comforted by our Facebook messages. But in those still early morning moments when I couldn't sleep anymore, I would cry until I didn't feel the pain anymore.

Here I am having to write about this experience rather than living the alternative reality in which we prepared for over nine months. I hate this quiet house, I miss feeling James in my belly, I miss the joy he brought us. I'm sitting here trying to enjoy the holidays and move on from this, but I can't. I don't like the music, I don't like the food, the joy of this holiday tastes bitter to me and I'm hurting a lot. What makes it worse is when my husband and I disagree about anything and we lash out at each other. We are both hurting so much that our emotions are unpredictable. Please heal our broken hearts...we need a little Christmas miracle.

For most of 2010 I was planning on having my little baby to take care of this holiday season. It was going to be our first Christmas with our baby James! And here we are broken, lost, angry, sad, devastated and baby-less. Back to being Aunt Jenny and Uncle Bobo to our niece and nephew. We were ready to be parents and embrace the next chapter in our lives.

Why? Why us? Why James? Everyday I hear these words. But there are no answers, only suggestions or inklings.