Holiday Wish 2014

Here is my wish for you this holiday season.
My son James showed me how blindingly beautiful life is and that it's within simple gratitude we find our peace. The distractions and stress of life have the ability to cloud our vision and muffle our hearts. These are things that we know don't serve our best self and can get in the way of our heart's compass. So this holiday season I pray you can shut that distraction out and find simplicity within your life. Create quiet moments to be with your heart and seek out beauty and wonder. I want you to reflect upon the beautiful blessings you've have been bestowed -to discover gratitude in the most basic necessities of a working stove, a warm bed to sleep in, food in your fridge, shoes for your feet, and if you're super lucky, you have money in the bank.
We all have adversity in our lives and it's within these challenges that we're offered up the opportunity for healing. Whether it's taken or not doesn't matter, it's the fact life has given you a beautiful opportunity for healing and transformation. For it's through this healing we heal ourselves, which heals our community, and heals the world. Please know you are the most beautiful and radiant beings full of talent, joy and hope. Spread the love and help your fellow man. Afterall, we are in this together.

Internal Guidance

Yesterday I took a short hike here where we live. The trail starts at a parking lot and goes directly into the woods straight uphill. It's a steep initial climb up to the plateau area and a very good exercise for legs and lungs. I set a goal to go to the top where a spot with a wooden bench overlooks the entire valley and the south end of the lake. On a clear day, it's one of the best hiking views around.

I was so proud of myself for making it to the top - I contemplated going only half way, but when I got to that bench, I had a lovely moment. A moment to reflect on where I am in life and what it is I need right now. My intuition was clear while sitting there - it told me to begin this internal journey deep from within. This is for me only and a chance for me to build a loving relationship with myself, my body, my mind. Dig deep from within and listen from within, stay in the moment and you'll do just fine.

There's such a huge difference between doing something for yourself because society says so or because your heart says so. Anything I think I SHOULD do, comes from the logical mind, the mind that says I SHOULD be healthier, I SHOULD eat better etc. When I've operated from that mind, I start off well by counting calories and exercising, but then it never lasts more than a few months because it's not ME. It doesn't feel right for me and my lifestyle. My more authentic heart-mind tells me "I am ready for a change, I am ready for some self-love, just stay in the moment Jen and don't let go or give up. This is going to be a cool journey of exploration and getting to know YOU."

Quite the logical mind and begin to live more in the heart-mind because this is where your true compass resides.

The beginning of something new

The past 6 years of marriage and trying for our own family has unfortunately brought so much pain and anguish. We feel it physically, mentally and emotionally.

1. A miscarriage at 7 weeks in 2009
2. The unexpected still birth of our son James at 41 weeks (term) in 2010
3. A miscarriage at 15 weeks in 2013
4. A miscarriage at 16 weeks in 2014

I'm done. I'm spent. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel like a vessle of waste - nothing left in me but pain and sadness. All of my babies have died inside of me and my body has somehow failed me, even though I know it's not my fault. In the end after all the tests have been done, we have no answers to why this is happening which is (for a lack of better words) a mind fuck.

After our last pregnancy loss, my intuition spoke loud and clear "Take your body back!! It's time." I want to be in control now, I want to turn my body into a healthy machine, strong and able. It's time to go another direction for awhile and let go of trying for kids naturally.

Organically I've begun to train alongside my cousin Rebecca Johnston because I reached out for help. She meets me with such grace and love - showing me how the exercises can be fun, how it's just for me and nobody else. When I'm working out I'm connecting within, in the present, and building a lasting relationship with my self forgetting about the "story" that lies behind me. Day by day, I see my life being rewritten while I choose what to create for my human experience. And it helps to have a partner, someone to check in with, someone who has the expertise!

This is all new territory for me, and I will continue to post about my journey here as I take it one step at a time through the healing.

Tool Box

I've learned over the years that I'm what's called an External Processor. This means I process thoughts and emotions through external means - talking, writing, etc. And it turns out I have many friends in my circle that do the same (shocker). However, my husband of six years is the opposite. He's an introvert and tends to process much differently than I.

I had the opportunity in September of 2011 to attend a grief retreat in Ojai, CA. At this retreat, we had the chance to sit with our grief/pain and listen to what it had to teach us. One of the many pearls I gained from this experience was learning about my own tool box for healing. I literally wrote down in my journal, all the things I do to stay centered and grounded! It was a big list, right there in front of me, making me aware of just how many tools I already had in place.

I now come back to this list as a reminder of what's available for me to feel better, at any moment in life. We all have our ways of coping and these are just mine that I've picked up along the way. All of us have various tool boxes that work for us and I'm aware that some are healthier for us than others. But I do not discriminate when it comes to human emotional and physical pain. We all do what we need to do to get by!

Anytime I forget, I just revisit the tool box.

Jennifer's Tool Box, August 5, 2014 Meditation, Rattling, Yoga, Food, Beer, Stretching, Swimming, Hiking, Walking, Listening to film score music, Change breathing, Writing/Journaling, Being in nature, Reading articles online, Listening to Hayhouse radio, Reading books on healing, Talking with friends, Emailing with friends, Hanging out with family, Hanging out with friends, Playing with dogs, Playing with kids, Singing, Playing guitar, Playing Ukulele, Watching movies, Watching TV shows, Cooking, Painting, Drawing, Travel, Listening to music...

Perspective

I'm grateful for my ability to look at my life from above and see a beautiful quilt.
This perspective happens more often now as an adult than it did when I was younger, but every time I see the harmony in my life it's truly remarkable.

Recently I was conversing with a friend about what a struggle it's been up until now to like my body and had a breakthrough. She asked when I first felt this way in my life. I traced it back to a family doctor's sending me off to lose weight because they saw my parents struggled with their weight and therefore I ought to prevent it starting at age 8. Seriously!?

Well, that event planted a 25 year belief in me that I was not okay the way I was born. Therefore I must see a nutritionist, eat "healthy" and exercise to lose weight.
It was not all black and white, but so many bad habits formed from this awful belief.
Friday was treat day and I was allowed any candy I wanted. Due to being put on a diets and rewarded with sweets, I became a closet eater eating for only comfort and a need to feel normal.

My latest breakthrough was a 3 hour conversation with my husband. We talked and talked about my perspective and beliefs growing up. He wanted to know why I had no consistency in my exercise routine. And the conversations forced me to cough up all the junk I'd been carrying with me.

The reasons for why I was the way I was, is because I was taught from a young age that exercise was something you did to lose weight. It was done as a form of punishment or out of guilt. That is why I could stay motivated for three months at a time and then had to quit!

The flip side is that I did get a chance to enjoy sports/movement in my life despite the self punishment. Dancing, Swim Team, Tennis Team, Skiing, Hiking were all normal parts of my childhood. And for this I'm grateful, because now these are the things I enjoy doing most.

My husband said the most simple phrase to me in our conversation - "Jen! It's a privilege to live in your body! Think about those that wish they could run at the park, or jump up and touch a tree branch. YOU can do those things and be so grateful for that!!" This was the shot in the arm I needed. A new perspective, because quite frankly the one I had for 25 years was hurting me.

I've since made a board of pictures and words to express this new perspective on myself. My body is amazing, I'm grateful for how beautiful I am & my strength.
Thank god for long conversations that give us new insight and help flush out old ideas. Fear has moved out and love is in.

Me on Table Mountain, WA - 2004

Seeing you in the gardens

May 6th was my 33rd birthday and five months after losing James.

We went to explore Descanso Gardens in La Canada. The gardens are amazingly beautiful and such a great way to spend a birthday. As we walked the grounds I noticed there was a butterfly flying around us. And As we walked farther, I kept seeing it - same color and everything. I said "Nel, see there he is again! I wonder why we're being followed" and Nel responded "honey, it's a garden I'm sure there's lots of butterflies." But I wasn't so sure.

On the back part of the Californian area, we stopped to take in the trees and a beautiful brown and white hawk landed in the tree above us. He sat, looking at us and we watched him with awe. We must have been there for 10 minutes until he flew to another tree. It's nice when you get a chance to observe nature like this.

Around the next bend in the path we noticed the butterfly again! It landed on a branch on a log in a path. As silly as it sounds, my intuition was telling me this could be James visiting us. I wandered up to check him out and he flew up around my head. I thought he was going to land on my hat! He settled on a branch just to my left about 6 feet high. Now Nel was coming up the path and we just stood there and stared at him. We got close but he did not fly away. We even talked to him and said "James, is that you?" and he put both his wings down as if to say yes. This moment was transcendental for us. We really felt like we were getting a rare glimpse into another realm. So we said "Okay James, we're going now you coming with us?" And as soon as we turned down the path he flew up above our heads following us.

This experience filled me up with so much love, that it carried me into Mother's day two days later.

Thank you James for your presence.
We are learning so much from you.

Love, Mom & Dad

Day 6 - Juice Fast

Today was amazing.

We woke up and weighed ourselves. Nelly is at: 230 and me 277!
We got up in the morning feeling lighter and more energetic.
Nelly still was battling some headaches and tension, but an afternoon run at the park got us sweating and feeling amazing. Sweating feels so good, especially when on the detox.

I made a soup today from the pulp of the veggies. It tasted to nice to have some hot veggie broth.

We are thrilled to be almost at the end of this. At least Nelly is, he's right now looking at pictures of hotdogs and pizza online - he likes to torture himself. But I have a feeling that once one us truly through a fast/detox, no cravings remain. I'm not the expert though and I always say, just follow your gut!

I on the other hand feel at the beginning of a journey and plan to continue along this road. I'd LOVE to see my weight get to 270 in the next 2 weeks. That would be epic for me....and then on to 240.

Thank you Joe Cross for making your movie.