Baby Growing

Why is it that I have moments of longing at times when I least expect it?
Nelson and I were at a hockey game the other night. We had great seats thanks to a friend and out of no where around the 3rd period I began remembering what it felt like to hold James inside of me. The way my body changed to accommodate his new living arrangements. It brought me peace and some happiness, but mixed with a little sadness too.

My body has been through so much and I find it difficult to love my body after what it's been through. No breastfeeding to keep my metabolism going, so any exercise or efforts to eat right seem futile. But I still try despite the depression.

There was a cute little girl 2 rows in front of us and she had to be about 2 or 3 years old. I of course thought about having my own child. What does it feel like to hold you own live child? I know it's a terrific feeling because every woman I see with their kids are so happy with them and show them so much love.

I'm no medical professional but I think my body could produce another child right now as is. However we want to try and get my weight down just to make life that much easier for the journey. Why won't the weight come off? I'm tired of beating myself up for being in this physical state. The only physical reminders of what I went through are my stupid c-section scar and the stretch marks on my stomach. I'm always surprised that my husband still finds me the least bit attractive. But he does! Thank god.

Giving birth to life is unknown for me, but carrying and developing life inside me is not at all foreign. I pray that god sends us babies to make, give birth to and raise. But just for now, I love remembering what it felt like to have my sweet baby boy growing and moving inside me.

xoxo